LA Vida Loca

Life has been crazy. It's a process. I've moved across country and it has been challenging to say the least to keep positive.

But I'll start again.

Old thought: Control. (ongoing issue). I have to have my plans work out in order. I need to plan and I need those plans to reach fruition to be able to be upbeat and have a measure of peace.

New thought: Roll with it. Make plans. If they don't work out, adjust.

Imagine Your Dream, Create Your Happiness, Live Your Life

It's been a while since I've last posted. I've been busy trying to reach my next goal. But as a quick update (and I'll fill in with what I've learned later.) I'm on my way. To living the life I want. I have the job I want, I'm feeling better about myself. The constant bad thoughts about myself are mostly over and I can divert when they start -.

Thanks - and look out for more. This is coming back. I've worked through stopping the negative thoughts. Now I need to begin dreaming bigger.

Dramarama - Work for Food

I'm up for anything. Anything that I can be passionate about. Any work that will allow for independence. Anything. I won't quite work for food. But I do need to do something that feeds my soul.

Old thought: Whatever will make me the most money I will do.
New thought: Whatever I can be passionate about and will make me enough to take care of Forrest and myself I will do.


I want to be passionate about work. I want to be excited about nearly everything I do. I want to write and create awesome campaigns for people. I want to help small businesses grow. I want to work for non-profits. I want to meld my creative and spiritual and professional sides into one and live an authentic life.

I want it all. And I can have it. For the way I define all at least.

But I can be practical. Anyone know of any good graveyard jobs that I could work - while Forrest sleeps? With the days to grow a freelance business?

Work in Progress

Transformation entails a lot of busy work. .... Forrest and I moved again - to Buena Park to live with my Sister-in-Law and her family.

Most of my intrusive thoughts are gone. Now I am working on transforming myself through action. Through the establishment of a routine.

I've lost 80 pounds. It's amazing how far I've come and a bit daunting to think of how far I have to go. In every aspect of my life. I'm trying to celebrate the victories large and small.

Victories:
I can sleep through the night without aid. ....

Insomnia is horrible. Not being able to fall asleep or stay asleep is a level of punishment not touched upon in Purgatorio. But it should be.

Tossing. Turning. Huffing, puffing. Crying. Not being able to sleep at night is torture. Having to use aids everynight for four years to sleep. Horrible.

So I can sleep at night without aid. I'm never going to be one of those people who just roll over and go to sleep. But I can sleep. And that is a major victory.

This is a can't day and I'm going to feel it

I've been trying to be positive. And generally I make it. But there is no making lemons out of lemon aid today. I want the auto pitcher to stop throwing fastballs at me. Just for a bit. I'd like am underhand id like one important thing to fall into my lap. You know after I've spent so much freaking time shaking the tree. A single apple. SOMETHING to fall in place. Old thought: New thought: I'm at an impass here. I have nothing today.

Re-building

Getting the intrusive bs thoughts under control. But what about the logical ones? I have a lot to be worried about. How do I plan without obsessing? How do I let the universe guide me? How do I let go?
Do I really have to let go and know that there is a plan out there? I think I do. To some extent. I need to be actively looking for a job or jobs, working on following dreams that I have placed on the back burner.

How do other people do this?

I'm never going to

Get a job! Seriously, this is a hard one to stop when you are looking for a job. But I will try.

Creeping thought: I'm never going to .... get a job again. (There are many creeping thoughts.)
Positive thought: The right job will come along. Of course I'll work again. Patience. Patience. PATIENCE GOSH DARN IT.

Lesson learned. I cannot always be upbeat. It's unnatural. But I'll keep trying.

I want it and I want it NOW!

There have been a staggering amount of changes in my life over the last several months. Sometimes I have wondered when I'm ever going to be in a "normal" space again. Whatever the new normal ends up being.

I'm not the most patient person in the world as anyone who knows me can attest to. However, I am trying. I want what I want and I want it NOW.



But anyone who has ever watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory knows where that attitude will get you. Straight into the bad garbage chute. I know I can't rebuild my life in a moment. But wouldn't it be nice if it were that easy.

Old thought: I want it and I want it now! And because I can't make it now, there must be something wrong with me.
New thought: There's nothing wrong with me. It takes time to rebuild a life.

That way madness lies.

Who likes to deal with messy feelings? Not me. I finally feel as if I am getting back on an even keel again, but I still have triggers or rather a trigger. And it makes me wonder if my entire adulthood has been a lie. Here I am over thinking things again. It probably isn't that deep. I'm going to stop the train of thought. I need to acknowledge the feelings but not let them overwhelm me.

That way madness lies. *

Lear:
No, I will weep no more. In such a night
To shut me out? Pour on; I will endure.
In such a night as this? O Regan, Goneril!
Your old kind father, whose frank heart gave all—
O, that way madness lies; let me shun that;
No more of that.
King Lear Act 3, scene 4, 17–22





Old thoughts: thinking about a subject until I am ill
New thought: thinking about an important subject and putting it away before I over analyze it

I'm not sure how much sense that makes to people who don't over-analyze. But this is a difficult mountain for me to climb. I can do it though

Music & Mood

How do you use music in your life? Do you consciously use music or let music use you?

It's easy when I am feeling down to choose music that fits my mood. As easy as it is to choose music that lifts me up when I am feeling good. It feels good to wallow sometimes. To sing my heart out and my pain away. But, that's not healthy on a regular basis.

Warning So What and Beautiful have strong language

So What by Pink is where I began this journey - before my eyes were opened.


Breathe Me by Sia was how I had been feeling for about two months.



Beautiful by Eminmen is the new mood

.

New thought: Music as part of the healing process
Old thought: I never gave much thought to what it could do for me before

Music helps me understand and express what I'm feeling differently than writing or talking it out.

Traveling down the road

Self-imposed prisons are not fun. In many ways I've been caging myself - telling myself that I am being safe. For a very long time. But no more. I'm taking the bars down and changing my story one step at a time.

I like being in control. Don't we all? But in an effort to stay in control I go to some pretty ridiculous levels. Let's take driving. I had told myself that if I didn't know exactly how to get to a place by being driven there first at lease once if not several times - then I can't do it.

Well I've done it. And guess what? Nothing horrible happened. Everything is okay. I just followed the directions.

Old thought: I can't drive anywhere unless I've been there before
New thought: I can conquer anything.

One of those days - and one of those people

Today I moved. A friend of mine who I don't see often, helped me move. While we were in the apartment (for maybe a half an hour) his truck was stolen. There are many reactions you might expect out of a person when that happens. Anger, extreme frustration, panic, ... oh any number of those feelings. And I expect he felt them all. But he kept his composure and his head about him and after calling the police finished helping me move. In the middle of this he told me he was looking for the  silver lining. I can't remember what he said it was, and I know it was difficult. But he found one.

I want to be one of those people.

I could do the old thought new thought thing. But I think that says it all.

Progress

I'm changing the format of the blog today. And I hope to do it again a lot in the future. Today is about progress I've noticed. A month ago if someone would tell me I was attractive in any way I'd immediately think: What is wrong with you? Are you making fun of me? I'm disgusting. I guess you could say my self-worth was a bit damaged.

But I'm working on it. And today when someone asked me for my number and another person told me I looked sexy and another rolled down their window at the stop light to flirt with me, I just felt good. Not that I'm anywhere near where I'd like to be. But I'm taking pride in my appearance, wearing make up, clothes that make the best of my zatfig figure and I feel good about myself. I think that is the most important part. Happiness, calm and confidence are darned attractive things.

This week I also made another leap. I'm living somewhere that I needed to live right after I moved. I needed some tough love from a good friend of mine to help pull me from the mire. And while I still have a lot of work to do, I'm making strides. And this is no longer the best situation for me to be in.

I decided to move on and follow my intuition - even though moving now wasn't part of my original plan. In the past I've stuck to courses of action, whatever the cost. Of course, as soon as I decided to do that and felt good about the decision I got four call backs from some great companies. I doubted myself and my decision. But I had to listen to my gut for a change. And then something happened that showed why I needed to be here at this time for my friend as well as why I need to be gone.

Slipping, Spinning Thoughts

Thoughts keep on spinning spinning spinning. Into the future. And I can't stop them. Or can I? Do you have problems with intrusive or repetitive thoughts. Thoughts that you seem to have no control over? I can deal with those intrusive thoughts during the day. But I have problems with them at night. As a matter of fact, I've had problems with them most nights this week.



At night that is when my thoughts spin into the future. It's a complex algebra calculation of what if then, in the middle of the night. It's part of wanting to control everything to feel secure. Most of which I have no control over.

I have yet to figure out how to turn my brain off at night - but I think if I give up the idea of being in control then I think my repetitive thoughts at night will improve as will many other aspects of my life.

Old thought: I must control - everything
New thought: I can only control - myself

Intuition - Are you listening to your inner guide?

Do you listen to that voice in your head that guides you? The voice that whispers when things aren't right? Or do you second guess yourself? I thought I listened to it. Definitely in unsafe situations with unstable people, I learned that lesson years ago. But I don't always ,or even usually listen to the inner guide that is there to help direct me into situations and places that I should and should not be in. I have discounted my intuition.

I know I didn't listen to it the last several years of my marriage. I was watching an episode of Oprah (I know! Don't judge! She has some great advice.) and she said something that settled into the back of my mind. I'll paraphrase here, God, or your inner voice or whatever you want to call it, gives us signs to follow in our lives. Depending on the importance of the message they can start as a stray thought or feeling getting bigger and bigger until eventually you have a hurricane running through your life. Because you didn't listen.

One of my greatest strengths and my greatest weaknesses is that I over think things. This year I'm going to listen to that inner voice, my inner guide and not second guess her. That's not to say that I won't think actions through, but I won't over think them and I'll give my inner voice equal weight.

Old thought: I'm imagining this feeling, thought.
New thought: I will follow my instincts and believe in myself.

Sunny Side up Day

Changing my thoughts and corresponding habits seems to be working. Today has been the sort of day that just a month ago would have had me curled up in a fetal position rocking back and forth. From the mundane to the profound it's been quite a day. I'm going to call it a sunny side up day. You know how sunny side up eggs are kind of slimy and a bit gross looking but really yummy and sort of nutritious at the end? Well that was my day today.

With every moment I'm becoming more myself and more happy with being myself. One aspect of myself that I've lost (not completely it's hard to keep an optimist totally underwater) is my ability to see the positive even in negative things.

Old thought: How can it get worse?
New thought: How can it get better?

Trying vs. Doing Success vs. Failure

Since I've begun thinking about thoughts and how they effect reality, I've been thinking about different kinds of language. I've tackled "I can't" which is something I'll have to continue working on. This is an ongoing problem. Now, I need to jump from I'll try to I am.

No more, "I'll try to lose weight" or "I'll try to get a job" or I'll try to do, anything at all. Using the word try instead of am allows me the option to not do something. For instance, If I say, I'll try to do laundry today that means I have essentially given myself an out - if I feel lazy or get busy or whatever. But if I say I am going to do something then I don't give myself a linguistic out - and that leads to I DID it. Big or small.

Old thought: I'll try to get to my ideal weight.
New thought: I am going to get to my ideal weight.

The weight thing is important but not the only place I need to work on that. But I'm going to take it one thought at a time.

And again. The only failure is not trying.

Inspired

Inspiration. As a writer I think I need that to well, write. How does that old quote go? Something like genius is 1% inspiration 99% perspiration. I'm sure I mangled it. But you know what I mean.

Being present, doing the best you can at anything you attempt is important.

Old thought: I have to be inspired to write
New thought: I just have to write to write

.... Though you may not be able to tell, I wasn't very "inspired tonight" but I tried again tomorrow. I'm also not very courageous today, it's been a hard day but "i will try again tomorrow".

Groundhog Day - and guest contributers

All right it's a bit of a stretch. But I wanted to be "holiday" topical. I'm changing my thoughts one at a time, but my subconscious, who I'm going to name the troll (like an Internet stalker who just comes into conversations to stir up shit) just rephrases it for me.  Darned brain!



Do you have a reoccurring thought or thought pattern that you would like to change? I'd love for you to contribute to the blog. There is something about the process of writing it out that is making it more real for me.

So onto what I am fighting today. Because of my weight - but even when I was thin or at a healthy weight - I never liked my body. But, because of my weight, I really, really don't feel good about my looks. Here's where the thought makes reality goes into play though. Yesterday I woke up, had a good day. Felt good about myself and life in general and people responded to that.

Today, I'm feeling blah about myself. Worried about going into interviews at this weight. Because looks matter. That's a fact. But, how I present myself matters as well.

Old thought: I'm ugly because I'm fat. And when I think that. I shrink up into myself I don't take of myself.  .... So of course I'm not looking my best.
New thought: Being attractive is more than just a number on a scale. I'm attractive if I work at it and feel good about myself.

If you like my blog, follow me, comment in the sections or contribute a guest blog, (follow basic format I have established) share posts that speak to you on Facebook or twitter or link to me on your own blog if you have one. I'll do the same.

Bring home the bacon - Enjoli

I am a proud feminist. No surprise for anyone who knows me. But somewhere along the line I came to the conclusion that being a feminist meant that I had to be able to "do it all". Personally I blame this ad. :)



Yes, it's necessary to be self-sufficient and able to do anything that needs to be done. But who said that because I want to and enjoy working that I have to do everything else as well. This study shows that men's contribution to the housework has increased to almost 1/3rd! Woo! Given the phenomenal increase in working women this is still sad. But I digress.

Somewhere deep in my psyche I feel like a failure because I can't do it all. And more importantly, I don't want to do it all. And this makes me feel like a failure. It's funny, I believe that the only failure is not trying - I do. But when I do something I want it to be right. I would rather do 10 things exceptionally well: be a mom, my job, writing, etc. .. then be mediocre at 30 things. And that's all right.

Old thought: I have to do everything myself.
New thought: I am no less of a woman for not being able to "do it all". Or not wanting to "do it all".

I need to learn to better  manage my time and to unload or share those things that I don't have time to do well.

I don't want to!

Seriously. I don't want to post tonight. Technically I've already posted today because my last post was just after midnight last night. And I don't feel good. I don't feel so badly that I'm not looking at audio-books or e-books. Just not good enough to actually think I suppose. And in the past I would have thought that was okay. I'm not feeling my best and one missed day won't really hurt. ... Well that is part of the thinking that got me to the place I am today. So no more.

Old thought: It's okay if I don't follow through with XYZ because I don't feel well.
New thought: Suck it up buttercup.

Peace out. ;) ... I didn't say I was going to be eloquent or anything.

How do you limit yourself?

Over the years I've imposed a staggering amount of limitations on myself. Once upon a time I believed I could be and achieve anything I wanted.  Slowly I built a wall around myself, creating out of my life a dark fairy tale of excuses, denial, and fear. Eventually my spark was walled into something like a priest hole.

The smaller my mental and emotional space became the larger I became physically. And the larger I became physically the less significant and worthy I felt. And the less significant and worthy I felt, the less I was. Because thought is reality.
So here I am. A single mother stripped down to the bare essentials financially and looking at a career change. with nothing. Slowly I'm rebuilding myself and that space is expanding. I'm pulling down walls and climbing up stairs.
Old thought:As an adult there are certain limits I have to accept.
New thought: There are no limits except those I place upon myself.

I'm a quitter. She's a quiter. Wouldn't you like to be a quitter too?

I love that Diet Dr. Pepper song. It's the first thing that popped into my head when I decided to quit smoking. I've also decided that I'm not going to say that I will "try" I will quit. Though I might be buying some Nicorette gum and not going cold turkey. We'll see.



My entire life I've believed that I could do and be anything I wanted to do and be. And for the most part - that's been the case. I set a goal and a I do anything it takes to achieve it. I've worked toward things, actively for decades. But lately I've been not even trying. There are lots of reasons for that - some valid - some excuses. But I feel myself pulling out of a fog and regaining my sense of self. And as I do that I am regaining my confidence and my pride and my drive. Because I think for those who know me well, driven is an adjective that could always be used to describe me. Whether it's a drive to be the best mom in the world, or to get my degree, or to learn how to sew well enough to make a purse, I do it it.

Back a few posts ago I wrote about synchronicity. And that there were a lot of people telling me not to be too hard on myself. And I'm trying really hard to not be. But at the same time I'm feeling better about myself and life in general and I need to expect more out of myself. There have also been a lot of people telling me I need to "follow through". This is what I will do.

Old thought: I don't want to take on too much. What if I fail?
New thought: (And something I've always tried to live by but lost along the way.) The only failure is not trying.

The incredible shrinking woman

We all have things we don't like about ourselves. Some things we can do something about some things we can't. When I was living with my soon to be ex-husband I tried everything I could to lose weight. I mean sort of. I would try exercise for a few weeks, diets, and nothing I did made a difference. Though I must admit. I was drinking a lot as well and there as no real way to combat that. But after a while I believed that I could not lose weight. No way. No how. I didn't believe I could stop gaining weight. And given the circumstances of my marriage, the stress, stress eating, and drinking made that true.

Then he left and I slowed down my drinking a lot. I don't drink every day and I don't drink nearly as much. I also don't stress eat. Through circumstances I've recently figured out the major trigger for me overeating, which was some behavior he exhibited.
And, ....
I've lost weight. I've lost a lot of weight. I've lost at least 60 pounds in 6 months. I'm not quite sure where my weight was when I started. I underestimated it though. And I still eat. I'm not eating particularly healthy. And until the last two weeks I was almost not moving at all, much less exercising. And it melted off.

Old thought: I can never lose weight and even if I do I will never be back at my ideal weight again.
New thought: I can lose weight and I can be at my ideal weight. And by my birthday in June. I will lose another 40 pounds.

Now that I'm moving a lot more and am slowly, carefully, adding real exercise to my life (which I'd forgotten how much I love) I believe I can lose that easily.

One day, when I'm feeling a bit better about myself - probably in June - and no I won't be at my ideal weight even after I lose 100 pounds - I will show before and after pictures.

How can anger be a good thing?

Women who get angry or express strong beliefs or just stand up for themselves are called all sorts of things. And if you are a woman in power, look out. You're either a "stereotypical bitch", an "angry black woman", or pick you derogitory term.
I'm going to generalize here. But women who express anger are not thought well of.
I've been shoving down my feelings of anger for a very long time. Not that I didn't express anger, but I didn't embrace it either. Men are "allowed" to feel anger and express their anger. But a women who does is a shrew or a bitch or a (insert derogative adjective.)
Well  I am angry. And I have a right to feel angry. I refuse to shove down my feelings anymore. That is how people stroke out or have heart attacks. I don't want to go out that way. Expressing what I actually feel and not what I think is acceptable is my new motto. Look out world!

Old thought: Shove that feeling down. I don't want (insert anyone's name here) to not like me or think I'm a (insert derogitory adjective here.)
New thought: I have the right to be angry and express my anger. If you don't like it. I don't care.

Because it is funny. "And the sun burned their hearts like an angry woman.

 

Syncronicity

How often do you have negative thoughts about yourself during the day? I couldn't give you a number - but I can tell you I probably have at least 50 negative thoughts about myself for every one good one.

I feel like I'm in the middle of being born, but stuck in the birth canal. Even with the negative thoughts about myself, I think I generally expect the best outcome in any given situation. For instance when my son was born I thought the labor might be long, but I did not expect the complications that occured during and after he was born.

Right now I feel as if I am in the middle of a re-birth and I'm eager and ready for it. But darn it. Again I did not expect all of the complications to occur. And I feel as if I am somehow "failing" at this. As if this is an audition somehow and everyone is judging my performance. When the reality is - one, most people probably don't think about me all that much, and two, if they are I don't think they judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

I am a strong believer in syncronicity. And I've had a lot of people over several weeks tell me to not be so hard on myself. This isn't going to be easy. But here I go:

Old thought: I can't do anything right.
New thought: I'm doing the best I can in this moment at this time.

And, because I now can't get this song out of my head and to introduce you to one of the ugliest coats I've ever seen in my life:

Being positive is important. Thoughts can change reality. Think about it this way. If you don't have dreams or aspirations you are walking through life. To change and improve I believe we first have to imagine it. Once you've imagined a new reality then you can begin taking steps to make that dream into a reality. It may happen and it may not. But the only real failure in life is not trying. Good outcomes and bad outcomes or even neutral outcomes teach us all something.

Sometimes though I can't be positive. And I have to realize and internalize that it is okay. I don't have to be a people pleaser. I should not be a people pleaser because it never works and just diminshes me one crumb at at time.

Old thought: What can I do to make you happy?
New thought: What can I do to make me happy?

The reality is we can't "make" people happy or be anyway. It's each persons responsibility to care for themselves. I've just realized that trying to please everyone means I please no one.

Yes I can!

Can is the site word of the week for Forrest. Which is interesting. Because I've been thinking a lot about how I define myself. And many definitions include the word "Can't".

Now I can find ways to work linguistically to work this because I am nothing if not inventive in my ability to limit myself. But I'll try not to.

Old thought: I can't

New Mantra: I can

Short post. But some things need to be said concisely. Actually, all of my writing teachers preached being concise. 

Transform: Follow your passion

My son is such a great teacher for me. He teaches through example that I should bring your passion into every part of life. Forrest's passion is designing outfits. He's five and he's been putting together stylish outfits since he could make his needs and wants known. 

His most recent design is below.  Forrest designed this using a polo shirt, one of my shrugs, a pink skirt that he used as a belt, For color and texture he added some tissue paper from a gift, and then he tied it up with a brown knee stocking. Somehow all the bright colors and different textures worked together.

Old thought: There's too much going on for me to be creative and inspired.

New though: Inspiration can be found everywhere. And Creativity doesn't just happen. It takes work.

Follow through is important. That is one of the reasons I started this blog. I realized that I was calling myself a writer but not writing for myself anymore. I was just doing marketing writing for work. Which believe me, is the least creative thing in the world to do and not really fulfilling because no matter  how good of a writer you are - people always want/need to change something. With this I get to please myself and practice my craft.

I matter

Unconcious thoughts/beliefs can be a real bitch to get past because they are so ingrained that it isn't even a thought anymore. It's a pattern.

I thought that my husband's happiness was more important than mine. Heck, somewhere inside I believe that everyone else's happiness is more important than mine. But trying to make my husband happy really took it out of me.

Toward the end of my marriage - about 6 months before it was over and about two years after we should have separated, I told my husband that I loved him, but wasn't "in love" with him anymore. He had a lot of self-hatred going on. And it was difficult to live with, to say the least.

I asked him how he expected anyone else to love or like him if he didn't love or like himself. It's a question I should have asked myself. But I didn't.

Old thought: I am not as important as the ones that I love.
New thought: I am just as important as those that I love. I need to make my happiness my top priority. I don't automatically go to the bottom of the list. If I am happy I'm more likely to bring joy to those I love, which can contribute to their happiness. But I can't make anyone happy but myself.


When I am happy, I see the happiness in others. When I am depressed, I notice that people's eyes look sad. When I am weary, I see the world as boring and unattractive. - Steve Chandle

Day One: Thoughts into reality - Out with the old in with the new

Last week I emptied my 2400 sq foot of house - the basement ran the length of it - giving everything of worth that I could not fit into my 4x8 U-haul trailer away and throwing the rest in a dumpster. Then, with the help of my cousin, I moved from Northern California to Southern California. *By the way it is phenomenally freeing to give everything away. You get to feel good about yourself for helping out other people and you also are able to figure out what is really important - and it isn't stuff. *

There are a lot of things that led to this, but this blog isn't about looking back. It's about looking ahead.  Thoughts create our reality to a very large extent and for a long time; I haven't thought much of myself. I have to love myself to be able to love others.

Old thought:  My life is ruined
New thought: My life is just starting

I have the chance to start over. To reevaluate my entire life and make changes where needed. Did I have a high paying job working for a great boss? Yes. Did it fit into my new reality? Not at all. Was I doing something that fed my soul as well as myself and son? Again, not at all.

I have to be honest. Right now, I'm not doing so hot. Life is at sixes and sevens and I'm not at my best. But I am blessed with  wonderful friends and family.