Seriously. I don't want to post tonight. Technically I've already posted today because my last post was just after midnight last night. And I don't feel good. I don't feel so badly that I'm not looking at audio-books or e-books. Just not good enough to actually think I suppose. And in the past I would have thought that was okay. I'm not feeling my best and one missed day won't really hurt. ... Well that is part of the thinking that got me to the place I am today. So no more.
Old thought: It's okay if I don't follow through with XYZ because I don't feel well.
New thought: Suck it up buttercup.
Peace out. ;) ... I didn't say I was going to be eloquent or anything.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
How do you limit yourself?
Over the years I've imposed a staggering amount of limitations on myself. Once upon a time I believed I could be and achieve anything I wanted. Slowly I built a wall around myself, creating out of my life a dark fairy tale of excuses, denial, and fear. Eventually my spark was walled into something like a priest hole.
The smaller my mental and emotional space became the larger I became physically. And the larger I became physically the less significant and worthy I felt. And the less significant and worthy I felt, the less I was. Because thought is reality.
So here I am. A single mother stripped down to the bare essentials financially and looking at a career change. with nothing. Slowly I'm rebuilding myself and that space is expanding. I'm pulling down walls and climbing up stairs.
Old thought:As an adult there are certain limits I have to accept.
New thought: There are no limits except those I place upon myself.
The smaller my mental and emotional space became the larger I became physically. And the larger I became physically the less significant and worthy I felt. And the less significant and worthy I felt, the less I was. Because thought is reality.
So here I am. A single mother stripped down to the bare essentials financially and looking at a career change. with nothing. Slowly I'm rebuilding myself and that space is expanding. I'm pulling down walls and climbing up stairs.
Old thought:As an adult there are certain limits I have to accept.
New thought: There are no limits except those I place upon myself.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
I'm a quitter. She's a quiter. Wouldn't you like to be a quitter too?
I love that Diet Dr. Pepper song. It's the first thing that popped into my head when I decided to quit smoking. I've also decided that I'm not going to say that I will "try" I will quit. Though I might be buying some Nicorette gum and not going cold turkey. We'll see.
My entire life I've believed that I could do and be anything I wanted to do and be. And for the most part - that's been the case. I set a goal and a I do anything it takes to achieve it. I've worked toward things, actively for decades. But lately I've been not even trying. There are lots of reasons for that - some valid - some excuses. But I feel myself pulling out of a fog and regaining my sense of self. And as I do that I am regaining my confidence and my pride and my drive. Because I think for those who know me well, driven is an adjective that could always be used to describe me. Whether it's a drive to be the best mom in the world, or to get my degree, or to learn how to sew well enough to make a purse, I do it it.
Back a few posts ago I wrote about synchronicity. And that there were a lot of people telling me not to be too hard on myself. And I'm trying really hard to not be. But at the same time I'm feeling better about myself and life in general and I need to expect more out of myself. There have also been a lot of people telling me I need to "follow through". This is what I will do.
Old thought: I don't want to take on too much. What if I fail?
New thought: (And something I've always tried to live by but lost along the way.) The only failure is not trying.
My entire life I've believed that I could do and be anything I wanted to do and be. And for the most part - that's been the case. I set a goal and a I do anything it takes to achieve it. I've worked toward things, actively for decades. But lately I've been not even trying. There are lots of reasons for that - some valid - some excuses. But I feel myself pulling out of a fog and regaining my sense of self. And as I do that I am regaining my confidence and my pride and my drive. Because I think for those who know me well, driven is an adjective that could always be used to describe me. Whether it's a drive to be the best mom in the world, or to get my degree, or to learn how to sew well enough to make a purse, I do it it.
Back a few posts ago I wrote about synchronicity. And that there were a lot of people telling me not to be too hard on myself. And I'm trying really hard to not be. But at the same time I'm feeling better about myself and life in general and I need to expect more out of myself. There have also been a lot of people telling me I need to "follow through". This is what I will do.
Old thought: I don't want to take on too much. What if I fail?
New thought: (And something I've always tried to live by but lost along the way.) The only failure is not trying.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
The incredible shrinking woman
We all have things we don't like about ourselves. Some things we can do something about some things we can't. When I was living with my soon to be ex-husband I tried everything I could to lose weight. I mean sort of. I would try exercise for a few weeks, diets, and nothing I did made a difference. Though I must admit. I was drinking a lot as well and there as no real way to combat that. But after a while I believed that I could not lose weight. No way. No how. I didn't believe I could stop gaining weight. And given the circumstances of my marriage, the stress, stress eating, and drinking made that true.
Then he left and I slowed down my drinking a lot. I don't drink every day and I don't drink nearly as much. I also don't stress eat. Through circumstances I've recently figured out the major trigger for me overeating, which was some behavior he exhibited.
And, ....
I've lost weight. I've lost a lot of weight. I've lost at least 60 pounds in 6 months. I'm not quite sure where my weight was when I started. I underestimated it though. And I still eat. I'm not eating particularly healthy. And until the last two weeks I was almost not moving at all, much less exercising. And it melted off.
Old thought: I can never lose weight and even if I do I will never be back at my ideal weight again.
New thought: I can lose weight and I can be at my ideal weight. And by my birthday in June. I will lose another 40 pounds.
Now that I'm moving a lot more and am slowly, carefully, adding real exercise to my life (which I'd forgotten how much I love) I believe I can lose that easily.
One day, when I'm feeling a bit better about myself - probably in June - and no I won't be at my ideal weight even after I lose 100 pounds - I will show before and after pictures.
Then he left and I slowed down my drinking a lot. I don't drink every day and I don't drink nearly as much. I also don't stress eat. Through circumstances I've recently figured out the major trigger for me overeating, which was some behavior he exhibited.
And, ....
I've lost weight. I've lost a lot of weight. I've lost at least 60 pounds in 6 months. I'm not quite sure where my weight was when I started. I underestimated it though. And I still eat. I'm not eating particularly healthy. And until the last two weeks I was almost not moving at all, much less exercising. And it melted off.
Old thought: I can never lose weight and even if I do I will never be back at my ideal weight again.
New thought: I can lose weight and I can be at my ideal weight. And by my birthday in June. I will lose another 40 pounds.
Now that I'm moving a lot more and am slowly, carefully, adding real exercise to my life (which I'd forgotten how much I love) I believe I can lose that easily.
One day, when I'm feeling a bit better about myself - probably in June - and no I won't be at my ideal weight even after I lose 100 pounds - I will show before and after pictures.
How can anger be a good thing?
Women who get angry or express strong beliefs or just stand up for themselves are called all sorts of things. And if you are a woman in power, look out. You're either a "stereotypical bitch", an "angry black woman", or pick you derogitory term.
I'm going to generalize here. But women who express anger are not thought well of.
I've been shoving down my feelings of anger for a very long time. Not that I didn't express anger, but I didn't embrace it either. Men are "allowed" to feel anger and express their anger. But a women who does is a shrew or a bitch or a (insert derogative adjective.)
Well I am angry. And I have a right to feel angry. I refuse to shove down my feelings anymore. That is how people stroke out or have heart attacks. I don't want to go out that way. Expressing what I actually feel and not what I think is acceptable is my new motto. Look out world!
Old thought: Shove that feeling down. I don't want (insert anyone's name here) to not like me or think I'm a (insert derogitory adjective here.)
New thought: I have the right to be angry and express my anger. If you don't like it. I don't care.
Because it is funny. "And the sun burned their hearts like an angry woman.
I'm going to generalize here. But women who express anger are not thought well of.
I've been shoving down my feelings of anger for a very long time. Not that I didn't express anger, but I didn't embrace it either. Men are "allowed" to feel anger and express their anger. But a women who does is a shrew or a bitch or a (insert derogative adjective.)
Well I am angry. And I have a right to feel angry. I refuse to shove down my feelings anymore. That is how people stroke out or have heart attacks. I don't want to go out that way. Expressing what I actually feel and not what I think is acceptable is my new motto. Look out world!
Old thought: Shove that feeling down. I don't want (insert anyone's name here) to not like me or think I'm a (insert derogitory adjective here.)
New thought: I have the right to be angry and express my anger. If you don't like it. I don't care.
Because it is funny. "And the sun burned their hearts like an angry woman.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Syncronicity
How often do you have negative thoughts about yourself during the day? I couldn't give you a number - but I can tell you I probably have at least 50 negative thoughts about myself for every one good one.
I feel like I'm in the middle of being born, but stuck in the birth canal. Even with the negative thoughts about myself, I think I generally expect the best outcome in any given situation. For instance when my son was born I thought the labor might be long, but I did not expect the complications that occured during and after he was born.
Right now I feel as if I am in the middle of a re-birth and I'm eager and ready for it. But darn it. Again I did not expect all of the complications to occur. And I feel as if I am somehow "failing" at this. As if this is an audition somehow and everyone is judging my performance. When the reality is - one, most people probably don't think about me all that much, and two, if they are I don't think they judge me as harshly as I judge myself.
I am a strong believer in syncronicity. And I've had a lot of people over several weeks tell me to not be so hard on myself. This isn't going to be easy. But here I go:
Old thought: I can't do anything right.
New thought: I'm doing the best I can in this moment at this time.
And, because I now can't get this song out of my head and to introduce you to one of the ugliest coats I've ever seen in my life:
I feel like I'm in the middle of being born, but stuck in the birth canal. Even with the negative thoughts about myself, I think I generally expect the best outcome in any given situation. For instance when my son was born I thought the labor might be long, but I did not expect the complications that occured during and after he was born.
Right now I feel as if I am in the middle of a re-birth and I'm eager and ready for it. But darn it. Again I did not expect all of the complications to occur. And I feel as if I am somehow "failing" at this. As if this is an audition somehow and everyone is judging my performance. When the reality is - one, most people probably don't think about me all that much, and two, if they are I don't think they judge me as harshly as I judge myself.
I am a strong believer in syncronicity. And I've had a lot of people over several weeks tell me to not be so hard on myself. This isn't going to be easy. But here I go:
Old thought: I can't do anything right.
New thought: I'm doing the best I can in this moment at this time.
And, because I now can't get this song out of my head and to introduce you to one of the ugliest coats I've ever seen in my life:
Being positive is important. Thoughts can change reality. Think about it this way. If you don't have dreams or aspirations you are walking through life. To change and improve I believe we first have to imagine it. Once you've imagined a new reality then you can begin taking steps to make that dream into a reality. It may happen and it may not. But the only real failure in life is not trying. Good outcomes and bad outcomes or even neutral outcomes teach us all something.
Sometimes though I can't be positive. And I have to realize and internalize that it is okay. I don't have to be a people pleaser. I should not be a people pleaser because it never works and just diminshes me one crumb at at time.
Old thought: What can I do to make you happy?
New thought: What can I do to make me happy?
The reality is we can't "make" people happy or be anyway. It's each persons responsibility to care for themselves. I've just realized that trying to please everyone means I please no one.
Sometimes though I can't be positive. And I have to realize and internalize that it is okay. I don't have to be a people pleaser. I should not be a people pleaser because it never works and just diminshes me one crumb at at time.
Old thought: What can I do to make you happy?
New thought: What can I do to make me happy?
The reality is we can't "make" people happy or be anyway. It's each persons responsibility to care for themselves. I've just realized that trying to please everyone means I please no one.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Yes I can!
Can is the site word of the week for Forrest. Which is interesting. Because I've been thinking a lot about how I define myself. And many definitions include the word "Can't".
Now I can find ways to work linguistically to work this because I am nothing if not inventive in my ability to limit myself. But I'll try not to.
Old thought: I can't
New Mantra: I can
Short post. But some things need to be said concisely. Actually, all of my writing teachers preached being concise.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Transform: Follow your passion
My son is such a great teacher for me. He teaches through example that I should bring your passion into every part of life. Forrest's passion is designing outfits. He's five and he's been putting together stylish outfits since he could make his needs and wants known.
His most recent design is below. Forrest designed this using a polo shirt, one of my shrugs, a pink skirt that he used as a belt, For color and texture he added some tissue paper from a gift, and then he tied it up with a brown knee stocking. Somehow all the bright colors and different textures worked together.
Old thought: There's too much going on for me to be creative and inspired.
New though: Inspiration can be found everywhere. And Creativity doesn't just happen. It takes work.
Follow through is important. That is one of the reasons I started this blog. I realized that I was calling myself a writer but not writing for myself anymore. I was just doing marketing writing for work. Which believe me, is the least creative thing in the world to do and not really fulfilling because no matter how good of a writer you are - people always want/need to change something. With this I get to please myself and practice my craft.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
I matter
Unconcious thoughts/beliefs can be a real bitch to get past because they are so ingrained that it isn't even a thought anymore. It's a pattern.
I thought that my husband's happiness was more important than mine. Heck, somewhere inside I believe that everyone else's happiness is more important than mine. But trying to make my husband happy really took it out of me.
Toward the end of my marriage - about 6 months before it was over and about two years after we should have separated, I told my husband that I loved him, but wasn't "in love" with him anymore. He had a lot of self-hatred going on. And it was difficult to live with, to say the least.
I asked him how he expected anyone else to love or like him if he didn't love or like himself. It's a question I should have asked myself. But I didn't.
Old thought: I am not as important as the ones that I love.
New thought: I am just as important as those that I love. I need to make my happiness my top priority. I don't automatically go to the bottom of the list. If I am happy I'm more likely to bring joy to those I love, which can contribute to their happiness. But I can't make anyone happy but myself.
When I am happy, I see the happiness in others. When I am depressed, I notice that people's eyes look sad. When I am weary, I see the world as boring and unattractive. - Steve Chandle
I thought that my husband's happiness was more important than mine. Heck, somewhere inside I believe that everyone else's happiness is more important than mine. But trying to make my husband happy really took it out of me.
Toward the end of my marriage - about 6 months before it was over and about two years after we should have separated, I told my husband that I loved him, but wasn't "in love" with him anymore. He had a lot of self-hatred going on. And it was difficult to live with, to say the least.
I asked him how he expected anyone else to love or like him if he didn't love or like himself. It's a question I should have asked myself. But I didn't.
Old thought: I am not as important as the ones that I love.
New thought: I am just as important as those that I love. I need to make my happiness my top priority. I don't automatically go to the bottom of the list. If I am happy I'm more likely to bring joy to those I love, which can contribute to their happiness. But I can't make anyone happy but myself.
When I am happy, I see the happiness in others. When I am depressed, I notice that people's eyes look sad. When I am weary, I see the world as boring and unattractive. - Steve Chandle
Friday, January 20, 2012
Day One: Thoughts into reality - Out with the old in with the new
Last week I emptied my 2400 sq foot of house - the basement ran the length of it - giving everything of worth that I could not fit into my 4x8 U-haul trailer away and throwing the rest in a dumpster. Then, with the help of my cousin, I moved from Northern California to Southern California. *By the way it is phenomenally freeing to give everything away. You get to feel good about yourself for helping out other people and you also are able to figure out what is really important - and it isn't stuff. *
There are a lot of things that led to this, but this blog isn't about looking back. It's about looking ahead. Thoughts create our reality to a very large extent and for a long time; I haven't thought much of myself. I have to love myself to be able to love others.
Old thought: My life is ruined
New thought: My life is just starting
I have the chance to start over. To reevaluate my entire life and make changes where needed. Did I have a high paying job working for a great boss? Yes. Did it fit into my new reality? Not at all. Was I doing something that fed my soul as well as myself and son? Again, not at all.
I have to be honest. Right now, I'm not doing so hot. Life is at sixes and sevens and I'm not at my best. But I am blessed with wonderful friends and family.
There are a lot of things that led to this, but this blog isn't about looking back. It's about looking ahead. Thoughts create our reality to a very large extent and for a long time; I haven't thought much of myself. I have to love myself to be able to love others.
Old thought: My life is ruined
New thought: My life is just starting
I have the chance to start over. To reevaluate my entire life and make changes where needed. Did I have a high paying job working for a great boss? Yes. Did it fit into my new reality? Not at all. Was I doing something that fed my soul as well as myself and son? Again, not at all.
I have to be honest. Right now, I'm not doing so hot. Life is at sixes and sevens and I'm not at my best. But I am blessed with wonderful friends and family.
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