This is a can't day and I'm going to feel it

I've been trying to be positive. And generally I make it. But there is no making lemons out of lemon aid today. I want the auto pitcher to stop throwing fastballs at me. Just for a bit. I'd like am underhand id like one important thing to fall into my lap. You know after I've spent so much freaking time shaking the tree. A single apple. SOMETHING to fall in place. Old thought: New thought: I'm at an impass here. I have nothing today.

Re-building

Getting the intrusive bs thoughts under control. But what about the logical ones? I have a lot to be worried about. How do I plan without obsessing? How do I let the universe guide me? How do I let go?
Do I really have to let go and know that there is a plan out there? I think I do. To some extent. I need to be actively looking for a job or jobs, working on following dreams that I have placed on the back burner.

How do other people do this?

I'm never going to

Get a job! Seriously, this is a hard one to stop when you are looking for a job. But I will try.

Creeping thought: I'm never going to .... get a job again. (There are many creeping thoughts.)
Positive thought: The right job will come along. Of course I'll work again. Patience. Patience. PATIENCE GOSH DARN IT.

Lesson learned. I cannot always be upbeat. It's unnatural. But I'll keep trying.

I want it and I want it NOW!

There have been a staggering amount of changes in my life over the last several months. Sometimes I have wondered when I'm ever going to be in a "normal" space again. Whatever the new normal ends up being.

I'm not the most patient person in the world as anyone who knows me can attest to. However, I am trying. I want what I want and I want it NOW.



But anyone who has ever watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory knows where that attitude will get you. Straight into the bad garbage chute. I know I can't rebuild my life in a moment. But wouldn't it be nice if it were that easy.

Old thought: I want it and I want it now! And because I can't make it now, there must be something wrong with me.
New thought: There's nothing wrong with me. It takes time to rebuild a life.

That way madness lies.

Who likes to deal with messy feelings? Not me. I finally feel as if I am getting back on an even keel again, but I still have triggers or rather a trigger. And it makes me wonder if my entire adulthood has been a lie. Here I am over thinking things again. It probably isn't that deep. I'm going to stop the train of thought. I need to acknowledge the feelings but not let them overwhelm me.

That way madness lies. *

Lear:
No, I will weep no more. In such a night
To shut me out? Pour on; I will endure.
In such a night as this? O Regan, Goneril!
Your old kind father, whose frank heart gave all—
O, that way madness lies; let me shun that;
No more of that.
King Lear Act 3, scene 4, 17–22





Old thoughts: thinking about a subject until I am ill
New thought: thinking about an important subject and putting it away before I over analyze it

I'm not sure how much sense that makes to people who don't over-analyze. But this is a difficult mountain for me to climb. I can do it though

Music & Mood

How do you use music in your life? Do you consciously use music or let music use you?

It's easy when I am feeling down to choose music that fits my mood. As easy as it is to choose music that lifts me up when I am feeling good. It feels good to wallow sometimes. To sing my heart out and my pain away. But, that's not healthy on a regular basis.

Warning So What and Beautiful have strong language

So What by Pink is where I began this journey - before my eyes were opened.


Breathe Me by Sia was how I had been feeling for about two months.



Beautiful by Eminmen is the new mood

.

New thought: Music as part of the healing process
Old thought: I never gave much thought to what it could do for me before

Music helps me understand and express what I'm feeling differently than writing or talking it out.

Traveling down the road

Self-imposed prisons are not fun. In many ways I've been caging myself - telling myself that I am being safe. For a very long time. But no more. I'm taking the bars down and changing my story one step at a time.

I like being in control. Don't we all? But in an effort to stay in control I go to some pretty ridiculous levels. Let's take driving. I had told myself that if I didn't know exactly how to get to a place by being driven there first at lease once if not several times - then I can't do it.

Well I've done it. And guess what? Nothing horrible happened. Everything is okay. I just followed the directions.

Old thought: I can't drive anywhere unless I've been there before
New thought: I can conquer anything.

One of those days - and one of those people

Today I moved. A friend of mine who I don't see often, helped me move. While we were in the apartment (for maybe a half an hour) his truck was stolen. There are many reactions you might expect out of a person when that happens. Anger, extreme frustration, panic, ... oh any number of those feelings. And I expect he felt them all. But he kept his composure and his head about him and after calling the police finished helping me move. In the middle of this he told me he was looking for the  silver lining. I can't remember what he said it was, and I know it was difficult. But he found one.

I want to be one of those people.

I could do the old thought new thought thing. But I think that says it all.

Progress

I'm changing the format of the blog today. And I hope to do it again a lot in the future. Today is about progress I've noticed. A month ago if someone would tell me I was attractive in any way I'd immediately think: What is wrong with you? Are you making fun of me? I'm disgusting. I guess you could say my self-worth was a bit damaged.

But I'm working on it. And today when someone asked me for my number and another person told me I looked sexy and another rolled down their window at the stop light to flirt with me, I just felt good. Not that I'm anywhere near where I'd like to be. But I'm taking pride in my appearance, wearing make up, clothes that make the best of my zatfig figure and I feel good about myself. I think that is the most important part. Happiness, calm and confidence are darned attractive things.

This week I also made another leap. I'm living somewhere that I needed to live right after I moved. I needed some tough love from a good friend of mine to help pull me from the mire. And while I still have a lot of work to do, I'm making strides. And this is no longer the best situation for me to be in.

I decided to move on and follow my intuition - even though moving now wasn't part of my original plan. In the past I've stuck to courses of action, whatever the cost. Of course, as soon as I decided to do that and felt good about the decision I got four call backs from some great companies. I doubted myself and my decision. But I had to listen to my gut for a change. And then something happened that showed why I needed to be here at this time for my friend as well as why I need to be gone.

Slipping, Spinning Thoughts

Thoughts keep on spinning spinning spinning. Into the future. And I can't stop them. Or can I? Do you have problems with intrusive or repetitive thoughts. Thoughts that you seem to have no control over? I can deal with those intrusive thoughts during the day. But I have problems with them at night. As a matter of fact, I've had problems with them most nights this week.



At night that is when my thoughts spin into the future. It's a complex algebra calculation of what if then, in the middle of the night. It's part of wanting to control everything to feel secure. Most of which I have no control over.

I have yet to figure out how to turn my brain off at night - but I think if I give up the idea of being in control then I think my repetitive thoughts at night will improve as will many other aspects of my life.

Old thought: I must control - everything
New thought: I can only control - myself

Intuition - Are you listening to your inner guide?

Do you listen to that voice in your head that guides you? The voice that whispers when things aren't right? Or do you second guess yourself? I thought I listened to it. Definitely in unsafe situations with unstable people, I learned that lesson years ago. But I don't always ,or even usually listen to the inner guide that is there to help direct me into situations and places that I should and should not be in. I have discounted my intuition.

I know I didn't listen to it the last several years of my marriage. I was watching an episode of Oprah (I know! Don't judge! She has some great advice.) and she said something that settled into the back of my mind. I'll paraphrase here, God, or your inner voice or whatever you want to call it, gives us signs to follow in our lives. Depending on the importance of the message they can start as a stray thought or feeling getting bigger and bigger until eventually you have a hurricane running through your life. Because you didn't listen.

One of my greatest strengths and my greatest weaknesses is that I over think things. This year I'm going to listen to that inner voice, my inner guide and not second guess her. That's not to say that I won't think actions through, but I won't over think them and I'll give my inner voice equal weight.

Old thought: I'm imagining this feeling, thought.
New thought: I will follow my instincts and believe in myself.

Sunny Side up Day

Changing my thoughts and corresponding habits seems to be working. Today has been the sort of day that just a month ago would have had me curled up in a fetal position rocking back and forth. From the mundane to the profound it's been quite a day. I'm going to call it a sunny side up day. You know how sunny side up eggs are kind of slimy and a bit gross looking but really yummy and sort of nutritious at the end? Well that was my day today.

With every moment I'm becoming more myself and more happy with being myself. One aspect of myself that I've lost (not completely it's hard to keep an optimist totally underwater) is my ability to see the positive even in negative things.

Old thought: How can it get worse?
New thought: How can it get better?

Trying vs. Doing Success vs. Failure

Since I've begun thinking about thoughts and how they effect reality, I've been thinking about different kinds of language. I've tackled "I can't" which is something I'll have to continue working on. This is an ongoing problem. Now, I need to jump from I'll try to I am.

No more, "I'll try to lose weight" or "I'll try to get a job" or I'll try to do, anything at all. Using the word try instead of am allows me the option to not do something. For instance, If I say, I'll try to do laundry today that means I have essentially given myself an out - if I feel lazy or get busy or whatever. But if I say I am going to do something then I don't give myself a linguistic out - and that leads to I DID it. Big or small.

Old thought: I'll try to get to my ideal weight.
New thought: I am going to get to my ideal weight.

The weight thing is important but not the only place I need to work on that. But I'm going to take it one thought at a time.

And again. The only failure is not trying.

Inspired

Inspiration. As a writer I think I need that to well, write. How does that old quote go? Something like genius is 1% inspiration 99% perspiration. I'm sure I mangled it. But you know what I mean.

Being present, doing the best you can at anything you attempt is important.

Old thought: I have to be inspired to write
New thought: I just have to write to write

.... Though you may not be able to tell, I wasn't very "inspired tonight" but I tried again tomorrow. I'm also not very courageous today, it's been a hard day but "i will try again tomorrow".

Groundhog Day - and guest contributers

All right it's a bit of a stretch. But I wanted to be "holiday" topical. I'm changing my thoughts one at a time, but my subconscious, who I'm going to name the troll (like an Internet stalker who just comes into conversations to stir up shit) just rephrases it for me.  Darned brain!



Do you have a reoccurring thought or thought pattern that you would like to change? I'd love for you to contribute to the blog. There is something about the process of writing it out that is making it more real for me.

So onto what I am fighting today. Because of my weight - but even when I was thin or at a healthy weight - I never liked my body. But, because of my weight, I really, really don't feel good about my looks. Here's where the thought makes reality goes into play though. Yesterday I woke up, had a good day. Felt good about myself and life in general and people responded to that.

Today, I'm feeling blah about myself. Worried about going into interviews at this weight. Because looks matter. That's a fact. But, how I present myself matters as well.

Old thought: I'm ugly because I'm fat. And when I think that. I shrink up into myself I don't take of myself.  .... So of course I'm not looking my best.
New thought: Being attractive is more than just a number on a scale. I'm attractive if I work at it and feel good about myself.

If you like my blog, follow me, comment in the sections or contribute a guest blog, (follow basic format I have established) share posts that speak to you on Facebook or twitter or link to me on your own blog if you have one. I'll do the same.

Bring home the bacon - Enjoli

I am a proud feminist. No surprise for anyone who knows me. But somewhere along the line I came to the conclusion that being a feminist meant that I had to be able to "do it all". Personally I blame this ad. :)



Yes, it's necessary to be self-sufficient and able to do anything that needs to be done. But who said that because I want to and enjoy working that I have to do everything else as well. This study shows that men's contribution to the housework has increased to almost 1/3rd! Woo! Given the phenomenal increase in working women this is still sad. But I digress.

Somewhere deep in my psyche I feel like a failure because I can't do it all. And more importantly, I don't want to do it all. And this makes me feel like a failure. It's funny, I believe that the only failure is not trying - I do. But when I do something I want it to be right. I would rather do 10 things exceptionally well: be a mom, my job, writing, etc. .. then be mediocre at 30 things. And that's all right.

Old thought: I have to do everything myself.
New thought: I am no less of a woman for not being able to "do it all". Or not wanting to "do it all".

I need to learn to better  manage my time and to unload or share those things that I don't have time to do well.