The Ugly Lowdown on Transformation

Transformation ican be slow and ugly. And I took a *little* break. You know, two-and-a-half years, give or take. In that time I have: - Moved cross country - Found and lost a job and found one again - Gained and lost 10 pounds about three times - Lost 17 pounds and still going - Released the rage I feel for my ex - Sunk lower than I had imagined before - both emotionally and financially - Discovered a well fear that I didn't know existed I've learned caution and fear. I've lost a joy of life that I didn't know I had until it was gone. Maybe I can find it again and start guiding my transformation again rather than let it take shape on its own.

LA Vida Loca

Life has been crazy. It's a process. I've moved across country and it has been challenging to say the least to keep positive.

But I'll start again.

Old thought: Control. (ongoing issue). I have to have my plans work out in order. I need to plan and I need those plans to reach fruition to be able to be upbeat and have a measure of peace.

New thought: Roll with it. Make plans. If they don't work out, adjust.

Imagine Your Dream, Create Your Happiness, Live Your Life

It's been a while since I've last posted. I've been busy trying to reach my next goal. But as a quick update (and I'll fill in with what I've learned later.) I'm on my way. To living the life I want. I have the job I want, I'm feeling better about myself. The constant bad thoughts about myself are mostly over and I can divert when they start -.

Thanks - and look out for more. This is coming back. I've worked through stopping the negative thoughts. Now I need to begin dreaming bigger.

Dramarama - Work for Food

I'm up for anything. Anything that I can be passionate about. Any work that will allow for independence. Anything. I won't quite work for food. But I do need to do something that feeds my soul.

Old thought: Whatever will make me the most money I will do.
New thought: Whatever I can be passionate about and will make me enough to take care of Forrest and myself I will do.


I want to be passionate about work. I want to be excited about nearly everything I do. I want to write and create awesome campaigns for people. I want to help small businesses grow. I want to work for non-profits. I want to meld my creative and spiritual and professional sides into one and live an authentic life.

I want it all. And I can have it. For the way I define all at least.

But I can be practical. Anyone know of any good graveyard jobs that I could work - while Forrest sleeps? With the days to grow a freelance business?

Work in Progress

Transformation entails a lot of busy work. .... Forrest and I moved again - to Buena Park to live with my Sister-in-Law and her family.

Most of my intrusive thoughts are gone. Now I am working on transforming myself through action. Through the establishment of a routine.

I've lost 80 pounds. It's amazing how far I've come and a bit daunting to think of how far I have to go. In every aspect of my life. I'm trying to celebrate the victories large and small.

Victories:
I can sleep through the night without aid. ....

Insomnia is horrible. Not being able to fall asleep or stay asleep is a level of punishment not touched upon in Purgatorio. But it should be.

Tossing. Turning. Huffing, puffing. Crying. Not being able to sleep at night is torture. Having to use aids everynight for four years to sleep. Horrible.

So I can sleep at night without aid. I'm never going to be one of those people who just roll over and go to sleep. But I can sleep. And that is a major victory.

This is a can't day and I'm going to feel it

I've been trying to be positive. And generally I make it. But there is no making lemons out of lemon aid today. I want the auto pitcher to stop throwing fastballs at me. Just for a bit. I'd like am underhand id like one important thing to fall into my lap. You know after I've spent so much freaking time shaking the tree. A single apple. SOMETHING to fall in place. Old thought: New thought: I'm at an impass here. I have nothing today.

Re-building

Getting the intrusive bs thoughts under control. But what about the logical ones? I have a lot to be worried about. How do I plan without obsessing? How do I let the universe guide me? How do I let go?
Do I really have to let go and know that there is a plan out there? I think I do. To some extent. I need to be actively looking for a job or jobs, working on following dreams that I have placed on the back burner.

How do other people do this?